twilight // 217 (as of yesterday)

I'm in this strange area between recovery and sickness -- both are pulling me, hard, in opposing directions, and I'm not sure what to do.

It's twilight, the moment when the sun sinks below the horizon, and night begins; or is it dawn, the moment when the sky just starts to brighten, and the first rays of light touch the ground? I don't know. They seem so similar. I am sinking deeper into despair, and at the same time, beginning to transcend my 'fat' body and become more than a number on the scale.


I'm not going to pretend I don't have delusions of grandeur -- that I haven't always harbored the secret desire to be that girl. Thin, but not beautiful. Not even pretty. Haggard, unkempt, and sickly, bones jutting out of her ass, a living corpse. Miserable, freakish. But so very thin, so much that there is no doubt that she suffers. There are no words for the pain she feels.

When I was at my low weight, I was underweight. But just. Not enough to be obvious, not enough to raise concern. Just enough to be considered pretty. Beautiful, even.

I don't want to be pretty. I don't want to be the object of anyone's affection. Rather, I want to be an object of revulsion. I want to be unwanted. Undesireable. I want to starve off everything that made me attractive to anyone.

It's sick. Obviously, I'm sick inside. I just want the sickness to be reflected on the outside, so glaringly that others must look away, or be struck blind.

fuck-up // unknown

:[

Tomorrow is a new day.

Beginning of a new week.

I'm gonna march myself right over to the gym down the street, and sign myself up.

I'm gonna go to the grocery store, and buy a shit ton of healthy/low cal foods.

I'm gonna keep my intake under/at 700 calories a day.

The excuses end. The inability to make my own food choices ends. The purging ends. The eating junk ends.

This is my plan until 196. Then I will re-evaluate.

re-invent // 216

First things first, again I have no idea what my weight is because this morning, my scale said 217, then 215.4, then 214.8, then 218.2, then 215.4 again. So I'm averaging it out and calling it 216. Fucking fuck.

Second, hello followers :3 You are such lovely people. I will be following and reading all your blogs tonight, promises xx

My intake the last couple days has been between 800-1000 calories, minus a bit of purging.

I made the decision yesterday that I will not wait until I am thin to be fabulous. I went out and bought two new pairs of boots and a couple new clothing items, and I am So. Happy. I am fat. But that doesn't mean I can't be fucking fierce and fabulous. I don't have to love my body to love myself, and to appreciate myself, and to fucking walk down the sidewalk like I own it. Truly. I am quite happy with myself. I made the comittment to myself to start living in the present moment. Which means living fabulously every second of my life.

Granted, when I reach goal #1 (196 for everyone playing along at home), I'll buy a new pair of jeans and a whole new bunch of make-up. And when I get to goals 2 and 3, I will fully change out my wardrobe with fabulousness. But just because I am Fat right now doesn't mean I have to look Fat.

Have a wonderful evening, darlings. And be good to yourselves.

withdraw // 219.4

Everything really just sucks. I try to form friendships but I get exhausted talking to people for any length of time. I wish I could just skip that awkward 'getting to know you' phase and fast forward several months to the point where I feel comfortable being myself. Unlikely, innit.

Looking around at all these fad diets, obsessively calculating how long it will take me to lose all this weight -- this fat, disgusting layer of failure.

Fighting with the boyfriend. It just shows how crazy I am. He still talks to his ex, they're very ~close friends. And it freaks me out. It's not his fault, really, I am just insecure as shit, paranoid, and insane. It's cool, though, because I'm putting all my energy back into my eating disorder. I doubt I will have enough energy to focus on anything else.

219.4 today, though I seriously do not trust my scale. I spend about 20 minutes every morning moving it around, stepping on and stepping off, trying to get an accurate reading. It varies up to 2 lbs every time I step on it. Fucking bullshit.

I spend a lot of time shopping online for new clothes. I'll put together outfits, compare brands, debate the merits of different types of leggings. Shopping for skinny clothes -- for the clothes I will be able to wear when I lose weight. I need new clothes now, I barely have any. I wear the same 2 pairs of jeans and handful of t-shirts every day. I refuse to buy anything new, now, though. I don't deserve it, and I'm just going to lose weight anyway, why bother.

I gave up on ABC. I can't do structured diet plans. I'll just aim for 800 or under.

Have a lovely day, dearhearts.

"thin manifesto" // goal post

Goals:

231 230 229 228 227 226 225 224 223 222 221 220 219 218 217 216 215 214 213 212 211 210 209 208 207 206 205 204 203 202 201 200 199 198 197 [196] (bmi = 29.8, overweight)

195 194 193 192 191 190 189 188 187 186 185 184 183 182 181 180 179 178 177 176 175 174 173 172 171 170 169 168 167 166 165 [164] (bmi = 24.9, normal)

163 162 161 160 159 158 157 156 155 154 153 152 151 150 149 148 147 146 145 144 143 142 141 140 139 138 137 136 135 134 133 132 131 130 129 128 127 126 125 124 123 122 [121] (bmi = 18.4, underweight)

My starting weight this time was 231. My current weight is 219. My lowest weight at this height was 118. I gained weight from "recovery" to 147, then I started taking lithium and gained to 208. I moved in with my boyfriend and gained to 231.

My goal is to lose 100 lbs in less than a year.

This is my journey.

//

I hate how that sounds all melodramatic, but it kind of is. I lost and then gained back a ridiculous amount of weight. I am FAT and I hate myself and I am sick of being fat and hating myself for being fat. I was never really thin but at least I wasn't such an obese whale.


I have a long way to go though :[